Funny quotes
81 hand-picked funny quotes. Pick this topic in the app to get one each day.
All funny quotes
- “Technically, the floor is my storage area. Technically.”— Anonymous
- “My spirit animal is a snail who fell asleep mid-commute.”— Anonymous
- “Sometimes I think I'm an introvert. Then I realise I'm just tired.”— Anonymous
- “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.”— Anonymous
- “Behind every great kid is a parent who is absolutely exhausted.”— Anonymous
- “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”— Douglas Adams
- “Someone is thinking of you right now. Probably your dog.”— Anonymous
- “Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I'm talking on it.”— Anonymous
- “Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”— Anonymous
- “I speak fluent sarcasm. It's basically a second language.”— Anonymous
- “I'm not weird, I'm a limited edition.”— Anonymous
- “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”— Henny Youngman
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.”— Anonymous
- “The only marathon I'm running is on Netflix.”— Anonymous
- “If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.”— Catherine Aird
- “Life is too short to be serious all the time. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me and I'll laugh at you.”— Anonymous
- “I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.”— Anonymous
- “I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.”— Anonymous
- “I smile because I have no idea what's going on.”— Anonymous
- “I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.”— Anonymous
- “I didn't fail the test. I just found a hundred ways to not write the right answer.”— Anonymous
- “I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.”— Woody Allen
- “My housekeeping style is best described as 'there was a struggle'.”— Anonymous
- “I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”— Anonymous
- “I run on coffee, sarcasm, and the audacity to keep going.”— Anonymous
- “My brain has too many tabs open.”— Anonymous
- “Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.”— Anonymous
- “You have something on your face. It's a smile. Suits you.”— Anonymous
- “I'm not short. I'm fun-sized.”— Anonymous
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”— Elbert Hubbard
- “I'm not shy. I'm just really good at figuring out who deserves my energy.”— Anonymous
- “This message is a sign that you should probably have a biscuit.”— Anonymous
- “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”— Anonymous
- “Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're probably drunk.”— Anonymous
- “I don't make mistakes. I date them.”— Anonymous
- “I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right.”— Anonymous
- “Friday is my second favourite F-word. Food being the first.”— Anonymous
- “If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.”— Earl Wilson
- “I'm not clumsy. I'm just testing gravity. It still works.”— Anonymous
- “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.”— Anonymous
- “Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's the coffee.”— Anonymous
- “Welcome to adulthood. I hope you like ibuprofen.”— Anonymous
- “A balanced diet means a biscuit in each hand.”— Anonymous
- “I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is my sense of humour.”— Anonymous
- “I am not arguing. I am passionately expressing my correct opinion.”— Anonymous
- “Technically, a nap counts as meditation if you're at peace with yourself.”— Anonymous
- “Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried stapling jelly to a tree.”— Anonymous
- “I was going to take over the world today, but I overslept. Maybe tomorrow.”— Anonymous
- “Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”— Anonymous
- “I'm pretty sure my prayers go directly to God's spam folder.”— Anonymous
- “I'm not a control freak. I just know how things should be done.”— Anonymous
- “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”— Anonymous
- “My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding.”— Anonymous
- “At this point, my morning routine IS pressing snooze.”— Anonymous
- “If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”— Steven Wright
- “Cleaning the house while the kids are still home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.”— Anonymous
- “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.”— David Frost
- “I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”— Michael Scott
- “I would lose weight, but I hate losing.”— Anonymous
- “My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.”— Anonymous
- “I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.”— Anonymous
- “I googled 'how to solve my problems' and it said 'go for a walk'. I went for a walk. I still have problems. But they're now in a…”— Anonymous
- “Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the 'm' is silent.”— Anonymous
- “My superpower is making plans and then immediately dreading them.”— Anonymous
- “Never let anyone treat you like a yellow Starburst. You are a pink Starburst.”— Anonymous
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”— Robin Williams
- “The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.”— Anonymous
- “I am one decision away from a completely different life. Probably involving a bakery.”— Anonymous
- “Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is very suspicious.”— Anonymous
- “I'm at that stage of tired where everything is hilarious and also nothing matters.”— Anonymous
- “My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for nonsense that needs work.”— Anonymous
- “I put the 'pro' in procrastinate.”— Anonymous
- “I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”— Anonymous
- “I don't need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new look every morning.”— Anonymous
- “The mum in E.T. didn't even notice her kid was friends with an alien. Cut yourself some slack.”— Anonymous
- “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day.”— Anonymous
- “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”— Anonymous
- “My alone time is sometimes for your safety.”— Anonymous
- “I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers done.”— Steven Wright
- “I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.”— Anonymous
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. They'll never expect it back.”— Oscar Wilde